Where I've Been and What Comes Next

When I first signed up with Wix, I had every intention of blogging regularly. It didn't take long for a full-time job and the many, many demands on time that follow the death of a spouse--not to mention the sorrow--to turn that goal into a pipedream. So here I am, six months later, drafting something my two readers might accept as a good excuse for the delay.

The truth is, the past few years have been HARD. After Maury's death, a mountain of work and many bills nearly toppled me. This, on top of my sorrow, and the deepest loneliness I have ever known.

People say you can feel lonely in a room full of others, and I'm here to tell you, it's true. That is the plight of every widow or widower. No matter how many people fill your space, you are lonely. Always.

I took the time to give my struggle the focus it deserved, and somewhere in that space, I found the motivation to finish one novel and take another to 57,000 words. In my life, where everything is out of control, it's the worlds I create that bring me peace. When I'm in my characters' shoes, nothing else exists. I can shut out the noise, still my brain, focus, and most importantly--control what happens to them.

Of course I rushed to query that novel I finished. Of course all three agents turned it down. And since it's straight-up Christian fiction, there are few doors left to knock on. It's not that the book or the writing is bad. I trust my beta readers. Those three chicks are honest to a fault. Not one of them is going to pretend a book is good if it's hot garbage. So it's not a matter of bad writing. It's a matter of a bad market.

Having written books for the secular market, I got a little glimpse of what mainstream agents and publishers want, and it isn't a story that glorifies God. There are narratives being pushed to validate sinful lives, and I wrote among them for years.

No more.

We can write stories that glorify God without being preachy; maybe even stories that introduce readers to the God we know, the God who knows us, and the God who gives us the strength to see our mates to the end and love them through it and beyond.

So in the wake of all of that, I've been thinking of starting my own small press, a company willing to take a look at Christian fiction and put everything into promoting it. It's time to fight back. It's time to produce titles that feed us, and others. Yes, it'll come with barbed arrows, but God has prepared me for that. Nothing--NO THING--can hurt worse than losing my dear husband, so what do I have to lose?

It will take time. My first title will be my own, and I intend to offer it for free. I never made any real money on the books my publisher sold anyway, so why not? If God gave me this gift, then He wants me to share it.

I remember telling Maury during one of his hospitalizations that he needed to think of recovery like a toppled wall that needs to be rebuilt brick by brick. I'm taking my own advice these days, rebuilding slowly, faithfully, and with purpose.

If you're still here for it, thank you for walking barefoot on this broken road with me. I'm finding my footing again, one word at a time.