The Best Laid Plans

I had a lot of plans for today. All of them fell by the wayside the moment I decided to revamp my website, which, along with my social media accounts, still advertised FICTION THAT'S PLAID TO THE BONE. Changing everything to New Julie was a lot to tackle--just like everything in my life right now.

I hate to continually moan like a sad-sack, but there's just no getting around it: life is hard at the moment. Since my husband's passing, all of the jobs are mine, and I have to perform them while carrying the overwhelming weight of grief. I love our old house, but lately, it seems like it's decided to die, too. Things are breaking, leaking, cracking, splitting . . . everything seems to be in a state of decline--except for the weeds in the garden, of course. Those are thriving. Oh, and the kale. That went bonkers this year, because, you know, everybody eats kale ten times a day.

To complicate matters, the cabin where I like to write became infested with Allegheny Mound Ants. I couldn't even set foot on the driveway, let alone spend the weekend.

It's pretty crippling, honestly. And the loneliness . . . oh, man, the loneliness. Only widows know what I'm talking about. It's not a social thing, because you could fill my office with thirty laughing people right now, and I'd still be lonely. There's an absence that echoes from every corner even when the room is full, and it has a name: Maurice . . . Maurice . . . Maurice.

I can't even begin to describe to you how drastically life changes when the person who knows you so intimately is plucked from your life. The love you have for that person still exists, but there's nowhere to go with it, so it hangs there, suspended, deployed like the worst Febreze bathroom spray ever. It is truly, truly wretched.

Part of today's project was coming up with a new tagline for my reinvented self. For now, I'm using "Walking Barefoot Through Broken Places," because that's really what life feels like these days.

The surface beneath my feet is jagged, but I choose to finish the race anyway.